Some questions I have

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#1

Hello again. (ssalam…:slight_smile: )

Merci pour vos reponses… je pense je dois parler francais a pratiquer un peu…

Je comprends les phrases simple…mais je peut lire francais mieux que je parle… :slight_smile:

D’accord, je veux lui visiter au Maroc pour deux mois a voir ton culture et faire connaisance ta famille. Pardon si mon francais n’est pas bon…je fais des fautes parfois.

En anglais: We have spoken online only… we speak on skype every day for at least 4 hours and usually more like 6 to seven on weekends…never met IRL…I am cautious and not frivolous in my thoughts and actions. I appreciate the counsel here so far, and I assure you-my head is not in the clouds. I am one who considers every angle of something. If not , why would I be here and posting my situation with my willingness to learn?

 What can I ask....I want to know will the culture, society that is accept me or will I always be perceived as an outsider- watched suspiciously for being with one of theirs. I know racism and discrimination from living in America so I am no fool to expect that I will be welcomed and accepted as a native born Marrocaine.

I also want to ask, what indications will there be from a man who desires marriage only for ulterior motives? Aside from his wanting to live here in America…can anyone speak on this???
And concerning who pays for what, I plan on paying for my tickets there, he says I do not need to worry about money when I get there. I told him I will bring my own money with me that I don’t expect his family to support me and he got mad. He said that we will live with his family and since I will be his wife it is no problem for him to take care of us. I ofcourse do not know the customs there. How is it he is offended that I would suggest to support myself while visiting but he does not offer to pay for my tickets toget there? I am willing to pay for myself, it just seems odd that he be so adamant about me not needing money there but its ok for me to pay my way there.
An arabic man I also knew online said that is the way, he will not assume any responsibility for me if I am here but once I get there he will assume all of it. Any comments about the veracity of this custom or the situation in general? Again, many thanks.

I have read such horrible posts on other websites from women who claim that Moroccan men are silver tongued deceivers and I know there must be some truth to some ladies’ stories I’ve read elsewhere-however that exists everywhere in America so no difference there. Admonishments on avoiding internet relations with Moroccan men are rampant on some sites I’ve seen. For those of you who are american women with similar situations here, could you share some of your counsel, experience and wisdom with me? I welcome all comments ofcourse but I will likely relate best to those in similar experiences. Don’t we all learn best from those who have been there before? So that’s it for now on the questions, I hope I may discuss much with the ladies here and also thank you to the creators of this site for having the care to make a place for ladies like myself. Merci Beaucoup

#2

well, i payed for my ticket- and he payed from Greece to France- cuz, he stayed there for a little bit to visit some of the Fam., he didn’t see in years and who couldn’t make it to the wedding. He also payed his way to Morocco-but, when i arrived- He took care of everything-and of course the fam,. all work together in buy what they need for the day-etc… i took my own money-cuz, i wanted to buy some things to bring back to the states- He also payed for alot of things that i bought as gifts-…
Your money goes farther in Morocco than in Europe and he had Euro to ex change…

i don’t know what to say all men are different regardless of the cultural- American men can do the same- lie, cheat- as well as a man from Mexico- So, Not all men are the same… He will be responsibile when u get there- and if he asked u not to worry about money when ur there -is maybe he working a good job… just take some for ur own reasons (to buy gifts-just in case/emergency-u never know) for me- i ended up getting sick my first time- and nothing that they gave me worked- i had to wait until i was back in the states- i picked up a parasite from something- this time when i went- i must of got adapted to all cuz- i came back healthy as a horse :slight_smile:

I didn’t have a problem when i was in Morocco- No one knew i wasn’t Arab- i would have ppl come to me talking in arabic and i be like…ummmmm–cuz, my arabic is limited with the Egyptian dialect- ppl will tell my husband ur wife looks like arabian-- like Lebanese… don’t know why they think that-- i am very light skinned-hazel eyes-reddish to brownish hair… I am Mexican/French from my father… German/Japanese from my mother… and i did ok in the big citys of Morocco with spanish… I am sure they will accept u- only thing is my husband bought me this really cool nice silver bracelet before he left Greece-- he told to always wear it-- its a good luck bracelet- like a protector from the evil eye. anyways- i didnt say anything-wore it since it was from him- and on my second trip a flight attendant stop and asked me if i was Muslim- she had saw that i have a necklace charm in arabic thats says Allah… i said, yes, i am- why? she said- cuz, u have a lovely necklace that says Allah… :slight_smile: she also asked if i was arabian–cuz- she couldn’t figure out where i was from- lol- well, had to say- i do have small eyes with a slant to them… she got surprised when i said- in the states i am consider Mexican/Latin mix cuz, of my father.

she then saw my bracelet and said-----ahhh the evil eye protector- then she started telling me things about what some ppl believe in-- it was really intreasting-- she is from Algeria… so, when i got into Morocco i asked my husband about this stuff- he just says - ppl do this and that just as ppl from around the world do as well- and i didn’t say anything again- however he needed to travel to see his father graveyard since he wasn’t there in the time of his death- His grandmother told him not to take me for the 2 days he be gone- cuz- she believed in this evil eye thing- when i asked him what she ment- he said- some ppl just get jealous… i said --of what? i am covered just like anyone else… anyways- i did wear my own clothing- which is not a problem since its all long- but, also used the Jiblba and no one bothers u…

I don’t know how many American view Morocco-- I will tell u this-cuz, i told myhusband as well-- how is it that Morocco be consider a 3rd world country if the homes can be very expensive? You will be amazed how beautiful the homes are in many areas–depending where u live is what u will pay-- yes, some things in Morocco is not so much money- but, the homes in the big citys can be very pricey— we looked around Casa, Rabat, Fez- and even in his area (which would be cheaper to buy like 60,thousand dollars verses 300,thousands) we decided Tanger- but, on the outter parts of it-cuz, it reminds me of my area here in Cali… (better to buy the land and build it as u like) Really Morocco is Beautiful… :slight_smile:

:slight_smile: u have a wonderful day…

#3

Thanks JayLynn,

So your own clothes are alright then? As long as your covered up? Like l.sleeves/long pants/long skirts??? Jiblba eh?? Are you saying you have to wear that when you’re there?? I asked him what do women wear there and he showed me pics of different long dress/robe outfits…I don’t know their names offhand but he asked me if I liked them and I said yeah they were pretty so he said, “we will get you these when you come, my sisters wear them…for holidays” So I’m guessing its more than holidays eh??? lol.

I talked to him today about the tickets and he said he can’t help me with that…but then how is he so sure I don’t need to bring any money with me? Today he told me we should live in France because its not easy to get a good job there, he said there is too much corruption in the govt. and he would have to be involved in that to get a good job and he doesn’t want to do that… I’m not sure why he didn’t tell me this before…we talked about it and that we would live in Kenitra with his family he said it was fine…now its different. I am not sure if that is significant but time will tell. I still want to go there anyway. I am not stupid but when it comes to other cultures I am ignorant so my questions sound stupid to me but anyway…

The only thing that gives me some concern is this thing with marriage. He tells me to come and see how it is there and if I like it and we don’t have to get married right away I have time to see what I think. He says thats the only way I will know if he is genuine or only wants to marry me to get in the country. Then tonight he tells me that we should get married fast because he will have a hard time not touching me. I mean I am 38 and not a virgin so I understand some of this but come on…does he mean to say he has no self control at all??? Is it like that with Moroccan men…or Muslim in gen.? I mean I would respect his beliefs but I agree it would be hard to be attracted like that and stay controlled its hard enough to talk on the phone sometimes…lol and can you kiss your fiancee? or what exactly are the specific restrictions? do you have to be chaperoned? lol… can’t touch physically at all? He hasn’t said but tonight he was mentioning the wedding night and…not specifics but just the idea of what it would be like. Then he asked me didn’t I realize how hard it would be for him?? I said yeah, well I know what I’m missing so it’s harder for me…lol I don’t know his saying we should get married fast seems like a contradiction to me. What do you think? I hope I’m not offending anyone by speaking on this but i’m not sure what is taboo here to speak on. Sorry if I offended anyone. JayLynn I appreciate your comments. One last question though…do arab men seek older women for the obvious reasons? Or is it just that I happen to be one of the few?
Just asking. :wink: Merci --Prends soin de toi.

#4

My own clothing is fine- i am muslima-so, all my clothing is long- and i did wear the long jiblaba when i wanted to–but, my husband is pretty much like western minded- being in europe for time he is pretty open minded-he didn’t touch me in any sexual way-just at times maybe hold my hand-he said- he wanted to make sure we married in the right way-and it took some weeks running here and there -and it gets expensive- so be prepared for the fees…

i had to take from the states my original birth certificate-of course certified seal on it, my divorce papers from a previous marriage as well as certified and authenticate with the state seal-had to take a letter from my employers to show i had a job (don’t ask me why-but- i just took -and a few check stubs) they asked for a letter from my local police dept. to make sure i was clear from any problems/crime and that was stamp by them.

when u go to Casablance to file for ur affidavit they will charge u $30.dollars-then i had to have everything transalted to arabic in Rabat- and that was very costly… pay the court, pay for legalizing papers-pay for ur rings-wedding gown-pay the person to marry you- medical exam-etc…

I have been to ur husband city- :slight_smile: – if ur not sure and have doubts-just take things slow- and about going to France-hmm-well, does he have a place to stay at already? Europe is expensive-( my husband is use to it-since he lived in Greece for time) work is hard at times in Morocco- i have seen that many ppl own their own bussiness…

Some men do seek for women older- and some just grow to love one regardless of the age- I am a little older than my husband- by almost 10yrs…however, u put us side to side and he looks older- :slight_smile:

take care…

#5

Hello Rina,

I know you are only wanting advice from someone that has or is going through what you are going though, but I just wanted to jump in and say that spending a bit of time studying Islam, should answer many of your questions. I am a muslim and so is my husband, so we have rights over eachother. Without you being a muslim, you will not be aware of your rights. Also, it is good that he does not want to touch you until you marry…There is no dating in Islam. In Islam, you talk with someone, you judge if they would make a good wife/husband and you marry. Within the sunnah, they should not even talk with you unless there is someone else in the room, or on the other end of the phone…when a non-married man and a women are alone together, shatan (devil) is the third. When you marry a muslim, you need to understand his religion, and now there is a vast amount of info on the net these days. He is from Morocco, so he should be sunni…you can ask him to make sure, and then read, read, read and some of those strange things he says, won’t seem so strange anymore. You can visit islam.com it’s a good site. Good luck, Nada

#6

Ssalam Nada and everyone,

No, I am open to hearing from you as well as anyone here…I just mean that it is easier to hear at times…not that I wouldn’t hear from all interested parties. :slight_smile:

I value your counsel also. Your words are wise and I can recognize that. Merci.:slight_smile:

Speaking of rights, he has alluded to them but not mentioned exactly all that entails. I think he does talk to me online when no one else is in the room…and on his cell phone also.

He told me that he had kissed a girl before…a mistake he called it. He said he did it twice but I got the impression it was more than a peck on the cheek. Now he says that he did not do more than kissing and hugs but I know how hard it is to stop there if you love someone or even if you don’t. I know he said he was in love with her but couldn’t marry her because he was still in school and he said she liked to talk to other men and she wouldn’t have been a good wife for him so he ended the relation with her.
Seems to me if what you said about being a sunnah is true, he would know better than to put himself in that position in the first place to be alone with that girl. I will speak to him about that more tonight. I would welcome it if people would let me know of the topics (if any) here that is inappropriate to discuss within this community here. I always welcome instruction and consider all that is said to me.
I do know he said his mom and dad are divorced and his mom was a single mother for a while with the four of them, I don’t know if this is significant or not. He told me yesterday that he has no money and that his mom will give it to him for us to live until he gets a job, I’m guessing it will be in France because of what he said about difficulties there. I am thinking that his desire to live there is an indication that he does not just want to marry me to come here…but maybe I am naieve?
I will study more on Islam Nada and again thank you for your wise counsel. I’ll keep ya posted as I go.

#7

This part attracted my attention, and I thought I’d comment on it.
Here in Morocco, there is practically NO girl who would ever accept to marry someone who is jobless, and to live with his family. It’s not that simple. There are always arguments between the new wife and the mother-in-law (well, in general!).
Now if you’re from another culture, and you’ll get along with his mom very well, and there will be no mother-in-law stories, then how do you expect him to support your to-be family? As I understood, you’ll be bringing your children as well.
France? It’s not offered to everyone. Unless he is settled in there already, you can’t simply go and live there. It’s not easy to find a job in France, because there is no other way to get the visa.
See, it’s not that simple.

#8

Butterfly,

See now that is my thinking exactly…in my opinion, no female in America would accept that situation and I won’t either. I am not comfortable with it. For me to have a man’s family to support me and my kids is preposterous. I am not sure if he is testing me to see whether I am only interested in money or what but I keep asking him for his plans and he tells me…“Don’t worry about it…I know what I am doing.” For me, as a mother…I cannot accept that, as a woman I cannot accept that. I told him he needs to have it all worked out before I get there…schools…job…housing…from his end. I am not going to be able to do all that from here. I tell him, I can’t come there to visit (and see for myself the culture firsthand)…and expect his family to support us-I will bring my own money.

The thing about France is that his mom and uncle live there already maybe that is the relevence (sp?). I know it is not easy to get into France my nephew is half French and has spent his whole life going between France and America. I will ask him about that as well.

Maybe he thinks that because I don’t know the customs I will just do as he says but I must know what will happen before I get there. I know he did not understand why I wanted to talk to other Moroccan women. When I mentioned going online and talking to some, he told me that if I had questions I could just ask him. He said he is the only person who knows what he is like…yes that is true-however I am wondering if he doesn’t want me to know certain customs and counsel from Muslim ladies themselves. This does not sit well with me. He also says that he knows it would not be easy for him to come here alone to visit me…he said his uncle told him it would be very, very difficult. I guess more will be revealed in time. I know his sister was staying with him at his university and I thought she was going to school there and he said no she had to do something at the school. Is it considered appropriate for his sister to stay there with him??? I don’t know that either. He has put both his sisters on webcam to talk to me but someone on skype told me they may not even be his sisters just friends. I’m confused what to think sometimes. All I can say is that time will tell and I am so grateful to those of you who have posted to me your thoughts and knowledge on all subjects Moroccan.
Many thanks again ladies!!!

#9

Rina, I think that almost all of us sound negative about the whole thing, and we are not in a good position to make up opinions.
For him getting to just visit the USA, it’s true that it’s not easy to get a visa. It’s required to prove that you’re linked to Morocco by studies, or a work contract. And I guess your friend is unemployed.
If you get to doubt even if the girls you saw were his sisters…Then you must wonder if he is really Moroccan, if he is talking to you from Morocco (well, you said you call him on his cell phone, that one is too obvious :p), and if he really isn’t working…As he spends like 6 and 7 hours a day chatting, then he sure has a lot of free time.
As for your question, yes. One can live with his mom, sisters, aunts, nieces, with no problems.

And for schooling for your kids in Morocco. If they are already in school, it will be hard for them to integrate a system that is fully based on Arabic and French. You must think about this more deeply.

#10

Butterfly,

No, he is a student finishing at school…3 months left. So he is unemployed for that reason…and has a lot of time to chat more on the weekends…as for the cell phone…I missed something, what is too obvious? He calls me from Morocco. The only reason I mentioned his sisters is…some guy told me that some people do that just for a laugh…I don’t know if I think that he is right…you hear a lot of crazy stories and stuff on the net. I am not knowledgeable about all the crazy stuff that goes on here on the net, so it doesn’t occur to me to think of this stuff when I talk to people.
Yes, I’m considering all sides of this…thanx.

#11

[quote=Rina]Butterfly,

No, he is a student finishing at school…3 months left. So he is unemployed for that reason…and has a lot of time to chat more on the weekends…as for the cell phone…I missed something, what is too obvious? He calls me from Morocco. The only reason I mentioned his sisters is…some guy told me that some people do that just for a laugh…I don’t know if I think that he is right…you hear a lot of crazy stories and stuff on the net. I am not knowledgeable about all the crazy stuff that goes on here on the net, so it doesn’t occur to me to think of this stuff when I talk to people.
Yes, I’m considering all sides of this…thanx.[/quote]
What I meant about “being too obvious” is that you can be sure if he is really from Morocco from is phone number :stuck_out_tongue:

#12

Yes, true- u can tell by the number.

Salam Alaikum Butterfly- hope things going good for u…

#13

Wa 3alaykom ssalâm JayLynn :). All is fine, thanks for asking.
Glad to see you around.

#14

[quote=Rina]I don’t know if I think that he is right…you hear a lot of crazy stories and stuff on the net. I am not knowledgeable about all the crazy stuff that goes on here on the net, so it doesn’t occur to me to think of this stuff when I talk to people.
Yes, I’m considering all sides of this…thanx.[/quote]
You know- my husband would walk me to the internet cafe since his fam, don’t have a pc in the home- I would go online to e-mail my fam- and my husband would wait for me. I would see the cafe place filled with teenagers and guys on line chatting away–no one ever bothered me- just u just never know if ppl are sincere in the things they say…

I will agree with ummabdurrahim- study what Islam has to say regarding marriage. I don’t know why he doesn’t want you to talk to other women form Morocco- he should be please that u want to learn and know- my husband speaks 5 languages-and me only 3- He was so happy for me to mix with the women and to know his mother and her friends- although, i don’t speak arabic- i was able to communicate in spanish and someone there always knew what i was saying- and i was trying hard to communicate… :slight_smile:

I really don’t know what to tell you about France- My Husband had already been living in Greece for 7yrs before going to Morocco for marriage- He may return since he is getting offers there and of course he has that Visa to go-I personaly don’t want to live in Europe- and want to Make Morocco my home.

If ur husband not working- best to wait until he can- see what he tells u if u want to delay the marriage for a good year until he is set.

When i am with worry-I pray: Salatul Istikharah
This Salah is offered to get Allah’s guidance on matters in which a Muslim cannot decide for certain what course of course of action to take…

May i ask: Does he share you anything on Islam? Hope thats not to personal … If u like some links- let me know-will be happy to share u some… :slight_smile:

J.

#15

And no news from Rina!

#16

no,… :frowning: hope all is well with her…

how are things with you? I will be on and off this week- I have a Dr. Apointment- visit to determine if i will return back to my job- its a work injury i been dealing with…

Keep me in ur prayers/Dua… :slight_smile:

#17

Maybe something came up with Rina, concerning her friend…

I am doing okay, thanks :slight_smile:
I hope that your injury wasn’t very dangerous. How much did you have to stay at home? Feeling ready to go back to work?
Give me of your news, and see you around :slight_smile:

Allah yshafik.

#18

Oh, i mean- on and off Internet line-- from my work- its been almost 2yrs- still am getting payed- but, i am so wanting to get back to work… i have a few slip disc in the neck area- and i didn’t want the surgery- to risky…

#19

I got your point :).
Hope that your doctor will let you get back to work soon, as you wish!