Hi,
I’d just like some help understanding this please, particularly the first line… but all of it is good if that’s easier
thanks loads
Aisha
ok so : photograph (of woman obviously)
him : aka 3aytani 3la bint 3amiiiiiii…
her : lah éhfdek
et thalla f bigdad jdide
him : wa 3andak musta9lab f had al mihna!!!hhhh
looks pretty messed up ! must be written by some immigrants or sth maybe.
Also no context is clear, hence i’ll do the best i can
him : aka 3aytani 3la bint 3amiiiiiii… = look at my cousin (daughter of my uncle) again…
her : lah éhfdek = May Allah (God) protect you,
et thalla f bigdad jdide = & take care of the new “bigdad”
him : wa 3andak musta9lab f had al mihna!!!hhhh = you seem to have a future in this job
I tried not to give a more literal translation,as it wouldn’t be so understood due to culture difference.
it’s not written by immigrants it’s written by a dyslexic moroccan 
thankyou
I understood half but - i thought aka was take
3aytani I don’t know
3la - at
bint - girl
3ami - cousin
right?
lah éhfdek - god protect you, like in english we say “god bless” to someone
et - french for and (??)
thalla - care/look after
f - fi - with - now i’m confused with little words, is it with or in?
jdide - presuming this is new
the context was just a photograph of the woman all dressed up at a wedding
I want to understand what they’re saying becasue I’m sick of him going after other women and this is one of them,
I don’t think there’s anything exactly naughty in what’s being said it’s just that I don’t go round finding pictures of other men who I think look nice and telling them how happy I am to see them etc all the time, I don’t even look I’m married it’s how I feel. This is his cousin who he told me after we married that he wanted to marry but he married me instead :s
life’s complicated sometimes
I’ sick of these and other things happening “behind my back” except I understand half of it, they think I understand none because I listen and say nothing so they presume I don’t understand, but I just don’t like a scene in front of people
so there’s money going over there to someone at uni whilst I work 5 or 6 days a week plus fully breastfeed a baby plus do 80% of the housework, whilst he babysits by aving the baby in front of facebook and ignoring my older son leaving him in front of the tv - because the uni persno can’t work becvause they get tired apparently, they think I don’t understand when he says take my bank card and withdraw 1000 dh each time you need it, that’s why I’ve left my card there
anyhow rant over
Just want to start to understand some stuff
not really sure what the future in the job means - could this mean she could have a future having his children? Is that reading too much into things? I don’t understand the words in the third line
jazakallah
I’m trying to understand and learn the words at the same time so explaining the words is kinds cool,
thankyou very much
This is too typical ! a Moroccan guy who reaches his dream of marrying a foreign woman & maybe getting the residency in her country, & then starting the nostalgia of traditionally marrying his cousin !
However, i don’t think that is anywhere in the message, no sign of any plans between them…the few lines are no more than compliments between 2 cousins…
Maybe this 'll get clearer in future messages.
I know…
and looking after sister who is old enough to go to uni but too tired to work 11-9 sat and sun in mcd’s so he’s secretly supporting her and contributing nothing to household leaving me to feed his child work etc whilst he sleeps till afternoon and if you use the term househusband in the loosest sense he stays at home with the children whilst I go to work 5 or 6 days a week … he’s on facebook with the baby and my son’s watching TV and there’s never even any dinner for me when I get home even if it’s 10 at night, let alone any laundry done or dishes washed or children fed meals or even left the house to play on the swings or anything…
Will post more messages on here in a while, thanks.
Just getting ready to go to work (he’s still on holiday in morocco after ramadan because it’s tiring for him over here he’s told his mum he does chores every day gets up early etc and needs a rest so he staying some more weeks. Wants me to buy him a ticket back but I don’t want to pay for this I’ve never seen any of the money back for other things he’s said pay this for me and i’ll pay you back…)
Just has a way of changing things round to make it be my fault if anything goes wrong so some concrete proof of messing around would be good
( apart from the woman’s photo I found in his cupboard at his mum’s … who keeps photos of women stashed in cupboards unless they like them or something…)
Getting on my high horse now would be better to just tell him to get stuffed in my logical brain but there’s the issue of the baby and the fact his family keep telling me that it’s their baby not mine and i’ve got only 20% of the baby because the woman produces an egg all the time but the man CHOOSES whether or not to GIVE her his sperm therefore it’s mostly the man’s baby.
(obviously the act is so passive on the womans part that she has no say in whether or not she chooses to allow the thing to take place, whatever) and also the issue that whatever rubbish there may be there’s also an awful lot of good stuff… not having to put up with rubbish in a decent relationship is what i say to my friends… grrrrr
right off to work baby going mad wanting to press buttons on the computer
bislammah
Hey !
your story is so messed up !:no:
let’s come back to the translation, if you translate that conversation word by word in english, it would have no meaning. I’m going to try to explain what was said.
Your husband when he saw that picture of his cousin, he was impressed, in Moroccan darija there is this expression that we use when impressed by someone “Hak 3la someone 3outani”, that means “look at you !” because the person looks pretty, has changed something in a good way, or even because it’s wearing something nice. It depends on the context, well obviously in that picture, his cousin looked really nice so he told her “hak 3outani 3la bent 3ami” that means “you look nice”
By Lah ihéfdek, she means thank you, but literally it means “may allah bless/protect you”, it’s a way to thank people in Morocco, especially between friends, it’s uncommon to say “choukran” which is the right translation of “thank you”, we’d rather use “lah ihefdek” or”l3ezz”.
et thalla f bigdad jdide= and take care of the new « bigdad »
wa 3andak musta9lab f had al mihna!!!hhhh= well in a literal sens, it means, you have a great future in this job, but it could mean totally the opposite, in this case it’s not really clear. But if you notice well, he didn’t say “musta9bal=future”, he said “musta9lab” which means “no future”. This is often said between friends to laugh at each other, for exemple, you can tell someone who’s bad at soccer “wa 3andak musta9lab kbir fel kora” which means “you suck at soccer”, it’s like sarcasm. Anyway I don’t know if you get it, and this expression is complicated, it can means anything, it depends again on the context, but for sure it doesn’t mean “you’ll have a great future”, even if literally, it’s what it means.
Sorry, I know it was confusing and good luck with your husband.
I just read the whole topic, and i’m not sure of the context of this too little part of conversation… it would be great if you give us the rest of the conversation, cuz the meanin’ depends on it.
and i think 2smrt4u is right… everything has said is true !
Salams,
I can’t give you the rest of that one becasue it was carried on in chat and I hacen’t got chat saved on here.
Will put some more things on maybe later on inshallah…
He’s still in morocco at the minute, he’s told his mum he needs a rest becausxe of all the housework and childcare he’s been doing!!!
I told them it wasn’t true but they believed him because he’d just come back from the masjid, no matter how many times I swore to god etc… He told me he was joking. They did’t think he was joking.
Anyhow I’ve got time to review things, it seems so sad to let go of something I just want things to work out…but I can’t live with a chauvinist who leaves me to do everything, won’t even do one thing each day, stays in bed till afternoon nd lives off me struggling whilst buying luxuries etc for family over there with money in his secret bank account that he says I have no right to know about or how much money’s in there (I read the statement over his shoulder, thought nothing of it, thought he knew I was doing it at the time)
Makes me realy cross knowing that I’ve been really struggling and supporting him whilst he has this much money, enough that would make a big difference to me over here, let alone if you count it in dirhams…
Money’s the last thing on my mind but even that’s not good…
He asked me to buy him a plane ticket back, apparently he’ll pay me back for it. Nothing I’ve bought for him with promises of being paid back has been paid back to me yet, apart from £10 worth of cigarettes.
There are people in forums in the internet who will say that all moroccan men are like this. I KNOW they are wrong and just being stereotyped. I really had faith when I got married but now I’ve seen his behaviour deteriorate so badly I don’t think it’s something I want to go back to.
More messages will follow,
thanks loads for your help
Lah ifdek
Aisha
Hey Aicha !
Well, your husband isn’t fair with you and he’s totally a fool. But have you ever tried talking to him about what you really feel ? I don’t think he knows what is in your mind, you have to tell him that this life you’re having with him isn’t fun anymore and just say that you’re pissed off that you’ve got to do all the housework by your own.
Men don’t care sometimes and they keep doing the same stuffs because in their mind everything is fine, so if you want to change things, you get to give your husband a shaking-up and get him out of bed.
Well, it’s good to talk about your problems, but it doesn’t lead you anywhere. You gotta behave !
[quote=2smrt4u]Hey Aicha !
Well, your husband isn’t fair with you and he’s totally a fool. But have you ever tried talking to him about what you really feel ? I don’t think he knows what is in your mind, you have to tell him that this life you’re having with him isn’t fun anymore and just say that you’re pissed off that you’ve got to do all the housework by your own.
Men don’t care sometimes and they keep doing the same stuffs because in their mind everything is fine, so if you want to change things, you get to give your husband a shaking-up and get him out of bed.
Well, it’s good to talk about your problems, but it doesn’t lead you anywhere. You gotta behave ![/quote]
Hey there,
I know, definitely talking about things doesn’t lead you anywhere it’s teh actions that are important. Just looking for some ideas for different directions to try because what I’m doing’s not working.
he knows exactly how I feel. Well I’ve said so, repeatedly and often.
If I say right I’ve had enough of this I’m going out and go out to meet a friend or for a walk or something, he will do something by the time I come back.
I don’t really understand what my part in it is. He wakes up if I bring him breakfast in bed , it’s just that I don’t always feel like doing that, having just got me and all the kids up and ready etc. Can’t physically force someone out of bed…I just feel like he doesn’t really want to be here with me, in his heart, which of course Allah swt is the only one who can see into and I don’t know what’s on the inside and culturally he’s not used to letting those things out, I understand this…
He says he misses Morocco, and he’s tired because the baby sometimes wakes him up a little in the night. Baby hardly ever cries he only makes a little noise for some milk. I’ve tried explaining if you’re tired and you love me can’t you realise that if you’re tired I’m much more so having fed baby etc had less sleep gone to work done everything else, how about you get up with the baby every other day and share the tiredness, let me stay in bed for an hour, how about just sometimes? He’s never taken the baby out for a walk even, to leave me to get on in the house or just have a break. I have asked for these things. This is all very different behaviour to how he was before he moved here. OK the baby wasn’t around but he did stuff, I felt loved and supported.
I just wonder if this is actually what he really wants or is what everyone around me is saying true, which I don’t want to repeat, about why he’s here. (he’s actually not here we spent 2 weeks together in morocco just over a month ago and he wanted to have more time with his family said he needed 6 weeks and wouldn’t come home before then so is still there, asking me now to buy him a ticket to come back but he’s got more money in the bank over there than I’ve got over here, I’ve seen. Not huge amounts of money but enough to buy a ticket or 10 vs my not enough for the things we need in the home plus all the bills etc.
I know it’s all to do with our actions and behaviour and if I was “traditional moroccan woman” I’d be at home with the kids and he’d be at work and I’d happily be responsible for all the things in the home.
But I’m not I’m me and if I put myself on the outside I’d say to myself “what are you doing putting up with this? tell him to shape up or get out”
but I feel there’s a more positive and happy solution inshallah
Finding out what’s really going on with him would be good. I just feel to love someone you work together with them, because you want to. Not just be in the house on the internet all the time and not taking part in family life. He doesn’t even enjoy taking the children somewhere nice and watching them play or playing with them.
Which he does/did always do in Morocco.
At his mum’s during ramadan he at least took the children out to do some nice things.
Behaved in my opinion not very nicely to me by just bringing food into the home then leaving, never saying where he was going or when he’d be back, ate his food then left all the mess on the table walking out and saying to me that I’d better clear that up quick so his mum didn’t have to, said he’d bought the food so I had to do all the housework.
When I said kindly to him then, OK but if you say this to me then this is the deal so this means if I bring home all the food then you’re responsible for all the housework and cleaning up, he just looked me dead serious and said no it doesn’t work like that.
I understand he’s not used to doing stuff in the family home there, but if it’s the same thing in a job outside of the home he would do it, but in that setting he’s the breadwinner and the women just ask for money and do all the home. We talked about this before marriage and agreed it should be 50/50 (based on 2 people working)
I’ve talked about all of this, I just get back that he’s not going to change and that if I’m patient he might do more in 2 or 3 years.
A moroccan female relative of his told me to make him something nice to eat and talk about things.
I came here not to spurt all this out, though it’s really helpful to get a male point of view which is why I chose to elaborate the story - but to just pursue my investigating on this subject of relationships with other women which feels too cosy to me but I might just be reacting to a situation, which is why I feel translating the texts is the way to clarity.
There’s not loads because a lot seem to have mysteriously vanished must have been just before we went to morocco because they’re not there now.
the context here is a video of a man talking about women want from men or something
she likes the video
him hhhhhhh…
her - hhhhh fine kadabar 3la hadchi
him - ra8 galtlik 9alat may dare ana ra8 8a galsa 7da 8ad sando9 ou hkadam…
her - ewa allah idimha 3lik na3ma (arra7a) othala f dak le bébé libine idik
him - yakma nti chawafa 7it yala8 chdito bin idiya…!!!
her - machi chewafa mé dakhla lik pc g activé la cam kanchof fik hhhhhh
him - bsa7!!! ana m3andich al cam…3arafti minktart li dco avec toi lamra galtliya chkon 8ad sa7ba jdida…hhh
her - opss sorry safi ana na7bess sma7li
he - no ra8a 8akat d7ak…hhh
he - yak ahkoya f ahkare iwama nuli kraymi!!
him hhhhhhh…
her - hhhhh fine kadabar 3la hadchi = where do find these stuff
him - ra8 galtlik 9alat may dare ana ra8 8a galsa 7da 8ad sando9 ou hkadam… = i told you, there’s not much to do, i’m just sitting next to this “box” & “working”
her - ewa allah idimha 3lik na3ma (arra7a) othala f dak le bébé libine idik = ok, may Allah keep this grace (rest) to you, & take care of the baby between your hands.
him - yakma nti chawafa 7it yala8 chdito bin idiya…!!! = are you a witch ? cuz i’ve jst held it in my hands
her - machi chewafa mé dakhla lik pc g activé la cam kanchof fik hhhhhh = not a witch, but i hacked into your computer & activated the webcam, i can see you hhhh
him - bsa7!!! ana m3andich al cam…3arafti minktart li dco avec toi lamra galtliya chkon 8ad sa7ba jdida…hhh = really !! i don’t even have a webcam, u know…because of lot of chatting with you my wife asked me who is this new “girl” friend
her - opss sorry safi ana na7bess sma7li = oops, sorry, enough i’ll stop, forgive me
he - no ra8a 8akat d7ak…hhh = no, she’s just kidding
he - yak ahkoya f ahkare iwama nuli kraymi!! = that’s what u think bro ! me becoming a criminal !! <— this last line doesn’t seem logical to me, is it a part of the conversation ?
one male’s perspective (just cuz u really seem 2 be asking for it):
of course from what we hear it’s all unfair and terrible. but you should be able to recognize this will happen before you rush into marriage. you knew what his house was like, what his experiences were with women, and u seem to understand his culture at least a bit. if u didnt u definitely should have, at the least. did you think he was just going to suddenly become someone who saw the world exactly like you and the ppl from your country…it seems unreasonable.
he needs a job he’s not meant to stay home and watch kids and do housework all day (it is such an incredible expectation in the situation and for the personage you have presented for us that i laugh in a sick-to-my-stomach kind of way when i see this). even if the money only goes to paying someone to watch the kids or make up the time you can take off to watch them. it seems like maybe you are in school? maybe things will get better after you can finish up school, the kids are a little bigger, and he can get a job. but u aint gonna get nowhere providing and providing, giving him money every time he asks with no strings attached, you dont bring it up with him to pay you back…you cant enable like this it will never work. stop giving him money. he needs 2 get a job.
and you cant get mad that he is helping his family, he has to help his family how can you fail to see the most important thing of moroccan culture. FAMILY. tal mout. and you will never be right against him to his family, especially his mother. welcome to your cross-cultural marriage.
also know how righteously f—ing pissed he would be to see his whole family life on the internet for any stranger to see. i can see from ur perspective, if he’s hollering at chicks all over the internetz you think you have a right, but that is serious stuff what you did up there…i read the 1st long one and after that i didnt read any more out of privacy to your family.
llah 3wankom
[quote=achminfar9]one male’s perspective (just cuz u really seem 2 be asking for it):
of course from what we hear it’s all unfair and terrible. but you should be able to recognize this will happen before you rush into marriage. you knew what his house was like, what his experiences were with women, and u seem to understand his culture at least a bit. if u didnt u definitely should have, at the least. did you think he was just going to suddenly become someone who saw the world exactly like you and the ppl from your country…it seems unreasonable.
he needs a job he’s not meant to stay home and watch kids and do housework all day (it is such an incredible expectation in the situation and for the personage you have presented for us that i laugh in a sick-to-my-stomach kind of way when i see this). even if the money only goes to paying someone to watch the kids or make up the time you can take off to watch them. it seems like maybe you are in school? maybe things will get better after you can finish up school, the kids are a little bigger, and he can get a job. but u aint gonna get nowhere providing and providing, giving him money every time he asks with no strings attached, you dont bring it up with him to pay you back…you cant enable like this it will never work. stop giving him money. he needs 2 get a job.
and you cant get mad that he is helping his family, he has to help his family how can you fail to see the most important thing of moroccan culture. FAMILY. tal mout. and you will never be right against him to his family, especially his mother. welcome to your cross-cultural marriage.
also know how righteously f—ing pissed he would be to see his whole family life on the internet for any stranger to see. i can see from ur perspective, if he’s hollering at chicks all over the internetz you think you have a right, but that is serious stuff what you did up there…i read the 1st long one and after that i didnt read any more out of privacy to your family.
llah 3wankom[/quote]
OK paragraph by paragraph is easier
I know he needs a job. I’ve done everything within my power to get him a job, both physically and spiritually. It’s him who hasn’t lifted a finger. Not turned up to see people when they asked him to and not made any effort to do any job hunting himself. Said that his english isn’t good enough for him to write an application form out himself therefore asked me to do them but then walked out the room and left me to do it all on my own, wingeing and moaning when I ask him to come and have some input and say if he’s not going to make any input then I’m not going to take the time to do the application for him. Been through it all. I already wrote him a CV which he can easily cut and paste for an application but he hasn’t made the effort to even try. Taken him to all the takeaways etc with arabic speaking ppl in them and showed him that he needs to visit all of them like once a week or so because turnover of staff is often high, asking if they have a job. He chooses to stay in bed. He visited 3 takeaways (out of 50ish) once each, apparently.
He has never watched kids and done housework all day he gets up in the afternoon after having been woken up loads brought tea etc asked nicely and then crossly, I only want to go to work - and plays on internet with baby whilst i’m at work and leaves my older son in front of the tv and does no household chores at all doesn’t even get the kids a meal just gives them snacks doesn’t even make sure there’s something to eat when I get home from work even if I get home at 9pm and need to feed the baby. I’ve tried being clear what there is to do. Tried saying children need fresh air at the park or something, not sat in front of a screen all day. He started playing with them more but has never left the house never even taken the baby for a walk apart from one time which was because he wanted me to fill in an application form for him. I know he’s not happy at home, if he only had a job then I could afford a childminder for when I go to work and maybe then all the things in the home wouldn’t seem so daunting or however they seem and he’d feel more able to do his fair share of chores.
I’m always getting promises for the future. I’m always getting that if I spend more money on him then Allah will reward me (or maybe ask me what I was doing going without so that someone else could be lazy, I think) on the day of judgement, and then saying that I just don’t understand how generous he will be with me on the mythical day in the future when he gets a job. I think someone will literally have to turn up on the doorstep and say “Hey Mohamed, I’ve got a job for you would you like it?” Which I don’t think is very likely, I understand we have to pray and then do the actions. He prays all the time mashallah but the actions are lacking. It’s like having a live in lover and being a single parent but with more washing etc
Are you basically saying there’s no chance of getting him to do these things because of what people are used to over there, despite that having been the agreement before marriage? Because I seem to be hearing that I should culturally accept a solely moroccan way of thinking and live like that within my home in the UK… I feel happy having 50/50 mix, it’s why I married him - well one of the reasons. I’m not proud to be british or patriotic or anything like that I’m just a human being and he’s another human being and that’s it, as far as I’m concerned.
People said I’d never get him to be present at the birth of the baby for these reasons but when I explained how I felt about the idea of him not being present at the birth he pulled that one out of the bag mashallah and was the most amazing supportive birthing partner even better than I could ever have wished for mashallah. So I know he’s capable of it when he’s got the right motivation.
Maybe you’re not saying this at all and I’m just misunderstanding.
When I’m in Morocco I get on with life the way it is over there and embrace the differences and enjoy it for what it is over there, I like the fact that it’s different to here. I like the fact that the children and I get a much broader horizon for experiencing and being part of 2 families that are so different, there’s good and bad everywhere and I like my family being culturally rich. I appreciate that this means that sometimes we have big differences of opinion, this being one of them. It’s just when nothing is done I feel unloved, which is not the case at all but it’s how I’m left feeling.
I’m not in school I’m in my 30s and working. I’m not giving him money with no strings attached I never give him money but he asks for things all the time, not looking at the bank balance and not hearing me when I say there’s not enough to pay the bills. I did give him money in the past, way before we were married but stopped when I realised that comparatively speaking he was better off than I was. I know he never realised this I understand the stereotypes that go on.
Although that was never a great deal.
He has also borrowed money from me and not paid it back, he says my money is his money but he hides the money that he has over in Morocco from me, I didn’t realise but I wasn’t supposed to have seen his bank balance over there which I read over his shoulder, he says his bank balance should be secret :s I can’t understand this.
I’m always asking him to pay me back. I really badly need the money I@m in debt to basic things like council tax and gas because of him not having got a job or paying me the money back. I was clear from the start that when he came over here I was not prepared to support him. But when he’s here I can’t very well not give him any food to eat. It’s just he’s asking for more and more and it was such a shock to find that over there he’s got more in the bank than I have over here and I’m busting a gut whilst he supports someone at uni who’s perfectly capable of having a part time job to support themselves, but they say they don’t want to and he keeps on paying, they say it’s too difficult to be at uni and work a part time job - I sure remember managing to do that myself. I’m falling asleep whilst getting dressed sometimes, he sees this and doesn’t do any more stuff about the home or anything or look for a job but just tells me to be patient and says that maybe in 2 or 3 years time he’ll do more.
He’s with family over there right now and asking me to pay for his flight back. I’ve said no I’ve not got the money, you’ve got more money in the bank over there than I’ve got over here as god is my witness. It doesn’t stop him asking. I understand that he’s used to stressed out people getting shouty but that’s not in my nature, the more stressed out I am the quieter I become because I know that in order to get out of a stressful situation you need to keep calm and focus and pray and methodically do the actions.
I have a good relationship with his mum. She’s lovely I love her to bits. It’s good because I already had my eldest son before getting married and so I understand how she feels towards my husband and I treat her how I would like to be treated by my son’s wife, and she’s got daughters married and understands issues they have with their mother in laws and so never does any of the things that make her daughters unhappy. Mashallah.
I’m happy that he’s supporting his family I’m not mad that he’s supporting his family I want him to. I love them. But just not one lot of family at the expense of another eg me and his child. I feel it should be equal.
I know he’d not be happy to have his family life exposed for everyone to see but this is an anonymous story under pseudonym in order to try to make better a situation, not a badmouthing.
I am very much taking your advice and sticking to my guns about a plane ticket, if I bought one I’d just be not paying an important bill and as he’s not got a job to come home to I can’t expect that would come back quick enough for when I need it. He already owes my OAP mother a few hundred for plane tickets he bought before and told her he’d pay back when he got over here but didn’t do.
maybe this is all I need to do?
Apart from obvious du’a.
I didn’t rush into my marriage I knew him for 2 years before we married, we talked a lot about things but I suppose I was more travelled than him and he’s got a whole culture shock and leaving parents home for first time to come to terms with and also being a parent now, I’ve already done all those things, and it took us ages to get him over here through immigration after our marriage, over a year.
Maybe I’m unreasonable to expect him to just knuckle down and get on with it? Because as a woman that’s what I want and feel that I need. Do you think this is unreasonable?
I’m just feeling like maybe I have to face that it was just all rhetoric and he wanted to come over here for reasons other than wanting to be with me, because I just feel like if you loved me you’d do these things because you’d want me to feel happy/comfortable/looked after.